Tiger Woods

With the exception of a number of lies, half-truths, and convenient omissions, Tiger Woods came clean today on his infidelities. In that spirit, I figured it was time to confess my "eatin cheatin" sins of the past so I can make a clean break and move on with my life.

"Eatin cheatin" is a term coined by my wife's cousin for all the snacking on unhealthy food he does outside of his home. Like Elin Woods receiving late night text messages from skanky Vegas hostesses, my confessions of some of my "eatin cheatin" sins in this blog shocked and horrified my wife. Well, not exactly like Elin Woods, because my wife didn't hit me in the face with a kielbasa or anything. But still...

Please forgive me if I sound longing and lustful. I am going to indulge in my culinary mistresses one more time, if only mentally. After this, however, I should be able to move on and the healing process should be able to begin in earnest.

I wish to confess to the following sins:

The Luther Breakfast Sandwich. A breakfast version of the Luther Burger, it involves 3 eggs, cheese, and a giant sausage patty between two doughnuts. I know what you're thinking, "where's the bacon?", and yes, it would have been better with bacon but we didn't have any at the time. But it was still a well balanced and delicious breakfast. Okay, "well balanced" may not be the right word, but it was certainly hearty and filling.

Saturday mornings at the doughnut shop. I've already confessed that I used to wait in bed expectantly for my kids on Saturdays knowing full well they would ask to go to the doughnut shop. Sometimes, when they didn't ask, I would subtly coach them to ask their mom so it wouldn't look like my idea. And off to the shop we would go. We'd get a full dozen, because they were cheaper that way, and some kolaches because you have to have some protein in your breakfast (my favorite was the Big Earl spicy). Two kolaches and three doughnuts was my usual - hey, it's breakfast, I can work it off during the day (I didn't realize it was over 1,300 calories just for breakfast). Oh, and one of the doughnuts was cream filled usually, but another was fruit filled, and fruit is healthy.

The Texas Doughnut. When I saw this beauty on Man vs. Food, I knew I needed one immediately if not sooner, so I went the next morning and got one. One doughnut with the mass of 12. And oh man was it delicious. About a quarter inch of thick chocolate frosting on a nearly endless landscape of doughnut heaven. I only ate a third of the thing (I shared) and it was such a happy morning.

The Quad Stacker. Burger King's stacker family is filled with delicious burger choices that have cheese, bacon, bbq sauce, and all the meat you want. One particular afternoon, for some reason, I needed a quad stacker medicinally. Over 1000 calories of deliciousness cured what ailed me. Note that I would usually only get a double stacker, with a shake, for lunch when I went to the King, which is conveniently just up the street from my home.

The Triple Bypass Burger. When in Arizona with friends for an ill-fated national title game trip, one of my buddies discovered this place called the Heart Attack Grill. Their gimmick is unhealthy everything, and if you finish a triple bypass burger they actually wheel you to your car in a wheelchair. So of course we ordered the triples. I'm not sure exactly how many pounds of meat were involved, with bacon, cheese, and condiments, but I remember doing the math and discovering I had consumed over 3000 calories in a single burger. I absolutely love burgers, but that experience left me not able to eat a burger for well over a month. It was kind of like your dad discovering you smoking and making you smoke a carton of cigarettes back to back.

Dessert. I used to kid myself that all I needed for dessert was an apertif. Which made me hungry for a real dessert of some sort. Three scoops of ice cream coated with melted 70% chocolate, and whipped cream if we had it. Oh yeah, that's how you end a day.


But I am a reformed and changed man now. All these things are in my past. I bid them adieu with a final song:

To all the foods I've loved before,
Animal style or four by four,
I dedicate my waist
to your delicious taste.
To all the foods I've loved before

To all the food I'll not eat again,
From cows, or pigs, or from the hen
I run an extra mile
your memory makes me smile,
To all the food I'll not eat again.